Mother's Day When You've Lost A Child
by Mary Jane Hurley Brant
Mother's Day ~ Don't we all want to strangle Hallmark Cards with that one? For us, Mother's Day is just so complicated. We all love and loved being mothers. It was my biggest and happiest job title. Now the word mother is all muddled, yes? Because now we look around for all of our children and where there were four there may now be three or two or one or none. Others look at us in the beginning years and feel for us or run from us.
Some of our mothers here are experiencing their first Mother's Day in the deep throws of grief and shock, feeling alienated from the world and everyone in it.
Second year moms say, "WTF, this year is no better."
By the third year we sigh a little less. We begin to look around and take stock of the life that is in front of us. We make decisions accordingly. Some moms begin giving away their children’s things and some move their things into boxes and store.
Some marriages that were shaky to begin with implode with the loss of a child. Sometimes the reasons for strife are easily understood because the short tempers, disappointments and marital stresses have built up. The life we have built with our spouse with a home and children doesn't look or feel the same. Some marriages end for a thousand reasons and by a thousand cuts. Some marriages become deeper in a mysterious way.
Some of us are blessed with additional children that we don't wish to burden with our sorrow when on Mother's Day they hand us their little cards or bouquet of flowers or the burnt toast smeared with jam. We dig down deeply beyond our sadness and grab them close. Older children visit and maybe they wonder inside, "Are you sad today, Mom? Will I be enough?"
Grandchildren come and we 'magically' think that they belong to us, but we know that they are not ours and, dear God, we cannot forget that one.
We learn along the way that somehow, someway, we will survive. We don't know how we are doing it. We gaze into the mirror and wonder about that woman we used to be and, yes, don't we miss her, too? Quick, put your arms around yourself and say, "I need to stay close enough to myself to take care of myself on Mother's Day and Monday, Tuesday, and every day."
Now, please Moms, take some time this weekend to poke your head up and hit a nursery and find some flowers or herbs. And, when the weather warms up, think of where you will plant them. Maybe even get a plant that you know your children liked and treat it with extra special care. Tend to yourself as well as you tended them with love and forgiveness and patience. We're still growing up, too.
Well, peace be with you, Sister Mothers, and may love be your guide on Mother's Day.